I have this thing.

I have this thing where I can’t let myself be happy when other people are hurting. I also can’t let myself be happy when other people are hurting “more” than I am. I’ve written about this before, but the feeling is always present and lingering. I know how bad my mental health is, so when I hear that someone I’m close with is having problems, too, I almost can’t handle it. Sometimes my life is shitty, but I try so hard to make sure yours is not. When you tell me differently, it hurts me like it’s happening to me, too. I’m competitive. I always have been. So to hear that your life possibly sucks more than mine makes me feel angry. When something has happened that I can’t fix in a few minutes, my mind races and tells me that I’m not good enough to be there for you. When you tell me about things that have happened to you, my brain invalidates every single feeling I have ever had about any “tough” situation that I’ve had to deal with. The bottom line is, in order for me to feel like I can help someone, I have to think that I am worse off than the situation they are explaining. It sounds selfish, trust me I know. I’ve struggled with this for years since I was diagnosed with an eating disorder in the tenth grade. My brain always has to have the attention of every person around me. It screams at me daily, “They can’t be doing worse than you! You can’t help them if they’re doing worse than you are, and your problems and struggles will be forgotten.” At the same time, if people stopped telling me about themselves and their lives, I would be devastated. It’s an unhealthy balance that I have yet to figure out how to fix. We all struggle. I have to learn how to convince my brain that mental illness is NOT a competition, since I feel everything else in life is. I don’t know how well I explain what goes on in my mind, but I really do try. I want to be open about the things that I deal with because sometimes my issues make me feel like everyone hates me. This isn’t about my life. I’m privileged, I’m well-off, and I have people who care about me. This is about my brain. This is about how I shut down at the most serious of times. I wish you could just understand,

That I have this thing.