raw.

trying to love someone while dealing with anxiety is like trying to love yourself while dealing with an eating disorder. unfortunately, i have experience with both. what sucks the most is that i am a lover. i am absolutely a relationship person. i’ve never been one for hookup culture, although i have nothing against people who are. my anxiety causes me to love and love hard. i love so hard to the point where every goddamn thing that they do makes me sick. whether they bring up a small concern, or tell me that they don’t want to be together anymore, i want to throw up. i HATE when people are mad at me and i HATE arguments. i’m trying to be better about it but it’s just so fucking frustrating when all i want to do is give the entire world to this one person but i cant even give shit to myself. i know you have to love yourself before you can love others, but i genuinely don’t think that is possible for me to do. my anxiety holds me back in every way, shape, and form. i am absolutely terrified that eventually it is going to push everyone i love out of my life and i will be left by myself. sure, i have moments when i think highly of myself, but as soon as there is one crack in the dam, the only thought on my mind is how my anxiety ruins everything in my life. i want to be perfect for the people i love, which is impossible. but my anxiety tells me that it’s not. one thing goes wrong and i will shut down for hours. one person doesn’t text me for a few minutes and i am going insane. anxiety literally ruins every relationship that i have and i’m so tired of it. it’s so tiring. i am exhausted. i just want one goddamn thing to work out in my favor without the thoughts in my head ruining it for me. is that too much to ask?

please ignore any spelling or grammar errors. i didn’t edit this before posting it