i don't ruin everything

I don’t ruin everything, but I do feel like I ruin everyone. Not only you, but myself, too. I overthink myself into a hole and then have trouble finding my way out. I take it out on you and then I find it hard to function correctly after I realize what I did. I wallow in self-pity because it feels like it's always my fault when someone exits my life. It makes me want to throw up when I realize something in my life has changed. I ruin you. It ruins me. It’s this constant cycle that seems never-ending. I hope it ends, eventually. It’s tiring. I’m tired. I wish I could give you a break. Trust me, I want one, too. I feel sick right now and all I’m doing is typing out the thoughts in my head. I don’t know if the way I feel will ever change. I feel like I’m always going to want to throw up because I’m anxious. I feel like I’ll never be satisfied with what I have in my life. I feel like I’ll never be enough for you, and if I am, it won’t stay that way for long. I’ll end up ruining you, too. I live with no regrets, but sometimes I wish I didn’t have to make decisions that eventually make me feel like shit either way. I am tired. I don’t know if I can express that enough. To whoever is reading this: I’m sorry. I know that isn’t something you want to hear. Everyone always tells me to stop apologizing. I can’t. If I’m going to be in your life, then I’m going to apologize for the emotional distress I add to your life. I’m not one to hold in my emotions. I let all my thoughts and feelings out almost as soon as I feel them. Well, I guess that’s my problem,

Isn’t it?