TW: mention of ED

I want to preface this blog by saying that I normally choose to write these when I am not in a rut. I think better when I’m not in a depressive episode and I’m able to better explain my feelings. My goal is not to seek attention or pity, but to share my experiences with those around me so even ONE person can feel less alone in their thoughts.

Not many people validate the idea that I like to call “the ‘and’ factor” when it comes to mental illnesses. “The and factor” is when someone has been diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses at one time. Two examples would be if someone has anxiety AND depression or OCD and BPD. One thing my doctor told my mom when I was diagnosed with Restrictive Anorexia Nervosa, was that it is common for things such as anxiety and depression to follow such diagnoses. Unfortunately, a lot of mental illnesses like to come in pairs, especially ones like Borderline Personality Disorder. I can’t be completely open and honest if I don’t list the things I struggle with, so here they are: Anxiety. Depression. OCD.

What they don’t tell you about having an eating disorder is that even if the negative eating habits and thoughts about food go away, the practices don’t. By practices, I mean the competitive side of the eating disorder and the mental strain it causes. I believe I have had anxiety since the 6th grade, but depression and OCD came about after anorexia.

Let me explain:

When I talk about the competitive side of an eating disorder, I mean the excruciatingly painful part of the ED where you HAVE to be “first” all of the time. In this context, “first” has a negative connotation. You have to be the skinniest, eat the least, and be the worst off out of everyone you talk to. What I wasn’t aware of, was the fact that the practice of being “first,” never fully goes away.

I’m extremely open about my mental illnesses because I want people to understand me and know why I am the way that I am. However, sometimes I still feel alone. I feel like I have it worse than everyone else and that I will never recover from the thoughts that circulate in my mind. So, when I hear of someone else’s struggles, it is hard for me. It is hard for me because I realize that they may have it worse than I do, and in turn, may get more attention because of it. As I’m typing this out now, I’m remembering that I did this during my ED because it was my only way of asking for help. When your brain gets to a certain point, you quite literally aren’t able to ask for help. So in turn, you try to make it obvious that you aren’t doing well so people check up on you, even if you’re going to lie when they ask if you’re okay.

I thought about this the other day when I decided to stay in my bed for 20 hours straight. The entire day I wanted food, to get up, to go to work, to go to the gym, etc. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t bring myself to get up until my friend came over and helped me get up to go get food. The entire day I was waiting for someone to notice, but how are they going to notice if I don’t ask for help?

My mind then goes to think “well I know they have stuff going on, too, so I can’t bother them with my stuff.” So. Instead. I stayed in bed for almost an entire day straight until I was forced to get up. It’s exhausting, and I’m not sure what to do about it yet. When your mind goes back to that dark place, it is so hard to find the light or the will to help yourself, even though you know what’s bad for you. It’s like an addiction. You’re addicted to feelings of pity and sadness. Sometimes you find comfort in sadness. Of course, it’s easier to sulk for 20 hours straight instead of going to class, work, and the gym. But is it realistic? Is it going to help me grow as a person? The answer is no.

To reiterate, I’m not sure how to solve the lingering thoughts that come from mental illness and “the ‘and’ factor.” I wish I understood my own mind. That would be cool. But for now, I just want you to know that you are not alone. You are not the only one on this journey.

Much love